Pipe dream

I’m standing before Kevin O’Leary of The Dragon’s Den to explain how exactly I would make him money on an investment in my business.  Despite having to limp away broken and empty-handed, the aura of all the wealth in the den has obviously seeped into my being and I return a year or two later with a modest but fast-growing empire of fruit and vegetable farms. 

With a newfound humility, Kevin invests billions in Chorus Frog Farm, LLC and together we jet-set around the world, first gobbling up Earthbound and Bolthouse Farms before taking on Dole and Delmonte and converting them to small farms operated by individual owners.  The financial climax is executing the leveraged buyout of the millennium by digesting ADM, Cargill and Monsanto in one fell swoop and promptly destroying all GE products and research. 

Some time passes and Chorus Frog Farm, LLC, its stock now nearly worthless with its crushing debt and indescribably bad business model, is bought up by a previously unknown hedge fund using the proceeds of the credit default swaps it purchased on us from AIG at the height of our success.  We later learn that the hedge fund is actually a farm co-op.  The directors take the company’s assets and parcel them out to small farmers across the land.  The co-op and company are bankrupted but the new farms do quite well selling local produce into their communities.

After settling his civil lawsuits and doing time for the criminal destruction of public capital, Kevin returns to the CBC, now broken and penniless and forever banned from all things financial, and does the morning traffic report for the local Kapuskasing radio station. 

While in the slammer, I convince the prison system to restart their farm labour programs, in which I act as consultant and get remunerated very handsomely in room and (now local and organic) board. 

The Fed prints another $Trillion and bails out AIG.


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